Step towards the Path

I’m 29 years old. One thing I caught myself thinking several days ago before writing this essay was – “Only now I have a small understanding of what am I doing in this life…” I think “understanding” is even too far, so it is better to say “I have some taste…”

Human relationship psychology and mostly observations became the only interesting and live thing to me when I was learning at school. It was strange to me why teachers, my friends and parents behave so different in different situations. I can do nothing, I was just watching. The other interesting thing was the absolutely “unpredictable” nature of the things happen to me. Later, when knowledge base of my outer observations became a bit bigger I noticed most of inner connections in my own behavior that caused all my troubles, worries or positive emotions. But still I could not control them.

Entering the Moscow Engineering Physics Institute and 6 years of studying brought more understanding and light to the laws of nature and intuitive feeling that everything that true for solids and energy also works for psychological processes between people and inside me. That’s how I saw the total energy presence in my life, the vibrations and wave nature of most long and short-term processes happened to me. But the question still was “How and why does it happen?...”

First answers I got from Osho books and lectures, but I could not connect this theoretical knowledge with something practical in my daily life. This made little sense without practice of 1-2-3 hours a day, but to involve me totally because by that time I knew very well that everything happnes to me is just my own responsibility. And the other thing I knew that I need something to push me towards deeper understanding of myself…

The ideas of the Fourth Path came to me 2 years ago with the book of Uspensky “In search of miraculous”. That was like a Big Bang! I never found such a book before then; everything was so clear and sound so close to my intuitive feelings. Half a year later in January 2011 I found the Gurdjieff group guided by Alan Francis in Moscow, joined the movements class, found people interested in the Work. This episode of my life combined everything I knew previously together and showed me the possibility how can I change this knowledge from theoretical baggage into the real practice; based on the simple principle of observation and work with something that is always with me – my inner world of habits, thoughts, intuition, reactions, sensations in my body… For me it is the real concentration on inner with the help of outer influences and situations in real life. Movements are an essential part of this observation practice. This became clear to me during last seminar with Deborah Rose in Kiev this May. Mostly because of people engaged in the movements – it is a big difference to work in the group of 20-25 people rather than in the smaller one of 5-6 persons. Both bring sense, but only the big group of people creates the atmosphere of real effort and help me to raise my awareness about by mind, the body, emotions and feelings and to try to find relationship between them while gathering the parts of the dance together. For example, before Movements seminar it was hard for me to sense my hands above the arms…or to hear particular “signs” in the melody that say to change the posture in the dance. Now I have more awarness about the whole body, my breathing and my perception of music, I can devide my attention better between the mind, the body and the emotional center. Later on the group meetings and during individual practice with exercises this understanding of relationship helps me to go deeper inside with particular exercise. Working just on the form does not make sense to me if it is not connected with the group work. Movements is the great chance to gain real taste of myself, and on seminars I can bring my effort of Work into the atmosphere in order to gain more for self-observation and development.